Wednesday, October 6, 2010

So tired...

So, not that there is much to say today, I'll say what I can. I came home from the hospital program exhausted and slept and slept. Today has been a rougher day, but aren't they all when you're depressed? GOD! I'm so tired of hearing that word. Let's call it something else. Let's call it "happy challenged" or hell... "Louise". Anything but that same damned word I've been saying and hearing over and over and over for what seems like months now.

My husband is dancing in front of the CD player with our little boy in his arms, swaying back and forth. It brings a zen to the house. Externally I feel it, internally there is something else going on. I want internal zen. I want internal peace. I want internal happiness. But right now I can want and want, and that void waiting to be filled by all those things gets drier and drier, remaining empty, and sad.

I realized today that I don't know how to live in the moment. That was quite the realization for me. I don't know what it's like to just relax on the beach and take in that moment. My mind torments me by racing, taking me out of the sunshine and warmth, into panic and anxiety. So, I lose the moment. I think of the people around me, possibly judging me and my body type, to the work I should be doing at home, to even the small things like making sure that the cooler is right by me, in case I get thirsty, but then my hand will get wet when I get my drink and sand will stick to it, making a mess, then I won't drink my drink all at once, so I'll have to put it down and it will get hot.... Then I'll be thinking about how are we going to pack up, although we just got there. We'll grab this first, then this.... Meanwhile, the joy, fun and zen that was waiting to fill that void in my soul, go elsewhere, because there isn't any room for them to come in. The revolving door of racing thoughts was going too fast for them to slide in.

The baby is fussy. Poor guy is so cute even when he's fussy. Sometimes, I'll catch myself giggling at the cutest faces he makes when he has a fit. He doesn't mean to be cute at that point, he is trying to tell us "something is wrong people!" But that doesn't mean that he can't be adorable while trying.

He's going to go get his 2 months shots tomorrow. Poor little guy. I have to be at the hospital, so Danny will be taking him. He'll need some extra loves tomorrow.

Oh, I also found out today that memory is affected by being "happy challenged". I was wondering why I would have a conversation with someone and 20 minutes later, start up the conversation. I kept thinking, "Hell, I used to be smart, at least I thought I was... what is this?" "Louise" affects your memory, which is why I have to think about spelling words, talking is difficult, and I will stutter slightly. It will also affect concentration. Just in the time that I've been typing this, I've caught myself staring off into some fantastical place, mentally wandering around, just to get snapped back. There are so many elements to this, I can see why I can't just "snap out of it", or, "don't worry, you're a first time mom." or any of the other myriad of meaningful yet ultimately helpless sayings I get all the time from loving family and friends. There are no bootstraps for me to pull myself up with. My brain is broken right now. It can be fixed, but going out to take a walk, or just "lighten up" makes me feel like I'm going to a sword fight with a nail file.

Alright, I am still tired, but I've said my piece for anyone who cares. To those people who do read this, I thank you. Thank you for caring enough to see how I am doing. I wish I had better news other than the same daily drab. To those who have found solace or help in reading this, my heart does humbly thank you and for that I feel joy and happiness. So, thank you.


  1. Just wanted to say that I really enjoy reading your updates. I found your blog through bc and can really empathize with what you are going through. Stay strong and be proud of yourself.

  2. Thank you both so much. I really appreciate it. :)