Saturday, October 2, 2010

I'm an unwilling participant on this roller coaster

Some days are up... so days are down. Nighttime is usually the hardest. I had a great time with a friend today and once she left, my roller coaster started. I have taken all my meds... don't know what else to do, but maybe say something here. Yet, I sit here, unaware of what to say. The words coming to my mind are trapped within myself, hopeless, sad, finished. Had one intrusive thought today, but I guess that is a far cry from the hell I was living before. I am just sitting here... staring. No motivation, no desire. I know my passions, and usually pursuing those will bring me back home again, but they seem so far out of reach, they don't even seem to be a possibility.

I feel like someone just threw me on this vicious roller coaster, didn't strap me in and just hatefully let it go. Now I'm hanging on for dear life, slipping just a little with each dip, turn and roll.

I think I'll go to bed early tonight. I didn't get much sleep last night. Spent about 30 minutes trying to sleep, but crying because I miss my baby. We get to pick him up from his little vacation tomorrow. Grandma is busy spoiling him. I think I might cry again tonight... who knows? For now, I'm going to call it a night... maybe.

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