While waiting for the day to start this morning at the hospital, I took out my journal and began to write. Here is what I wrote.
Why can't I just get better right now? Am I that f'ed up that it's going to take freaking months before this happens? It might even take years. Then precious Gabriel will have to grow up with a mother who loves him more than herself, but can barely express it. My love for him is so deep, yet I haven't been the one to feed him in weeks. I want to genuinely smile during the day. Not force it. I want peace and serenity in my soul. Why would I have a soul that belongs to God, yet have no joy in it?
I'm sitting at the hospital for the fourth day, away from the family to talk about my feelings I can hardly express. I know there has to be a reason for this and maybe one day I'll be blessed enough to see what that is. For now, I'll just numbly go through the motions... hoping for the best.