This is what I wrote in my journal last night.... it's amazing how dark the mind can get. Again, up and down like a runaway roller coaster.
So, I'm supposed to journal in the hope that I'll one day be normal again. Whatever that means. Right now, I feel very trapped within myself. Inside is self hatred, loathing, sadness, discontentment, doubt and disgust, just to name a few. How do I change that? People, like friends and family can tell me over and over that these things are not true, but honestly, it doesn't matter. I see what I see and feel what I feel. The darkness surrounds me and it's as black as night. I know logically that I'm incredibly blessed with a loving husband, gorgeous child and our needs are met. But it's not the outside that I see. It's the inside.
I know if I were to die, people would mourn, but then sooner or later they would forget. Meanwhile, the pain would be over. You can always discuss the theological side of this debate, yet I am a Child of God. What would He think? Or did He know all along? I have a hard time believing you can surprise God.
One day, maybe I'll look back at this and do one of two things. Laugh or cry. I guess we'll have to see. And I'm speaking "NO" to the current intrusive thought that I won't read it again because I'll be dead.