Nope.... I lied

So, the Abilify WAS working, but.... today I'm back to wondering what it's like to have a bullet go through my head.  Was that too much?  Welcome to my world.

Abilify...

Is working.....  Whew!  Ok.... two days down.  Let's see how this rolls. 

Here we go again....

Hi old friend... or whatever you are.  Depression, intrusive thoughts, suicidal ideation....  they're all back.  Don't know why, how or what the purpose is, but it's all back.  I'm back on Abilify to see if that will make it stop.  If not, I'm becoming more and more open to going back to the hospital.... ONLY for the Partial Hospitalization Program... anything beyond that.... will be against my will...

Let's see how this goes...

Even after all these months...

Months after being diagnosed with severe PPD, PPA and now what they think was OCD, I'm still on medication.  My severe depression has lifted, however today is a rough day....  I can feel it looming.  Waiting for the perfect opportunity to pounce.  I think about the Outpatient program I was in, and I miss it.  There was safety there.  I could be myself there.  And although it is associated with a horrible time in my life, I still remember how I was free to analyze my depression, in a comfortable place where there was no judgment.  Now, in the "real world" I catch myself putting on the fake smile, pretending to care and be happy.... when there are times that I'm not. 

I also was late on my medication today, so that could be part of it.  I may never be "normal" again.  But maybe this is my "normal" and I have to learn to live with that.

I had another intrusive thought last night... I'm on guard now.  I'm scared.  I don't want to go back.

Beauty

The Apocalypse is upon us!

Totally off subject from the usual... but this is Important!
So, if you didn’t know… the Apocalypse is upon us… May 21, 2011 is our last day. According to the wecanknow.com website, they are, “no longer offering free printed materials since there is not enough time remaining for us to effectively produce and distribute them”

From the website, “Christ Returns May 21, 2011
Sorry, we are no longer accepting requests for free materials.”

What are you going to do with your last days on earth?  Apparently, Camping and his followers are still going to accept donations....

Africa?!!?

So, I'm looking at my stats and I see that someone, or someone(s), if that's even a word, has been on here from Africa. Come out of hiding and tell me who you are!!! :) I'm so curious to see who on earth would be checking this blog from Africa! Come out, come out, whoever you are! :)

Where is everyone from? Hopefully the person or people from Africa will speak up. I'm so curious. :)

Why didn't I see this earlier???

I am so angry with myself. Since my depression lifted, I have been on the go. I work full time, go to school full time, work my Mary Kay business, write for Examiner.com, take care of my little Gabriel and my husband who has lupus. Well, something feel through the cracks..... And I cannot forgive myself.

Here's the story...The night that Gabriel was born, my husband was by my side. He was so attentive and we both cried tears of joy and relief as soon as we laid eyes on our sweet baby boy. Well, that happen to be the turning point for both of us. My depression and anxiety started almost immediately. I began worrying about earthquakes and SIDS. And, well, you all know the story from there. Once I got better, I hit the ground running. I was so happy to be free of my depression, I can't even express. It was a slow process, but I came back!

What I didn't see, and I should have and this is what hurts me the most... my husband has been battling severe depression since that first night too. I was so wrapped up in my own world, in my own depression, I didn't see it. He's not the type to vocalize how he feels, so he didn't say a word.

Basically, I noticed things like, he stopped shaving and grew this HUGE, LONG beard. I thought... um.. ok. Then he stopped getting his hair cut. He began to put on some weight. When we would talk about it, he would say it was due to his medication and his lupus. I believed him. But it kept getting worse. All the medication for his lupus was causing all these side effects, but he would explain it was simply the lupus that was causing all the trouble.

Now, it is common for him to sleep for the entire weekend. And I mean the ENTIRE weekend. From Friday night to Sunday night/ Monday morning. I don't see him anymore. We don't talk. He's always sleeping. I blamed myself, thinking maybe I shouldn't be in school, that it's taking time from us. But he would be asleep all that time anyway...

So, last night I begged him to go to the outpatient program that I attended. He said he would think about it. If anyone out there prays, please say a quick prayer for my husband so he will get the help he needs/ deserves. Why I didn't put everything together earlier is beyond me. I feel horrible. He's been suffering and I didn't know. He's been in torment and I didn't see. I've been there myself and should have seen the symptoms 1000 miles away, but I didn't. I don't know if I can forgive myself for that.

Depression is evil

So, now my depression is at bay... my husband is battling it. He was diagnosed with Lupus when I was pregnant and it has really taken it's toll on him. I went through a read some of this blog last night and I swear I didn't realize how dark things were. I knew I was in trouble, but reading back on it... it was so DARK! Now, he is sleeping all the time and hardly ever speaks. If you can keep him in your prayers, that would be awesome. He's my everything and I can't help him. Now, I'm also worried about my son. Will he have to battle it as well???? God, I hope not.

I was thinking last night that I don't want to go off my medication at all. I didn't realize how horrible it had been and I don't ever want to go there again. It's fair to say that I'm scared. So very scared.

Updating!

So, it's been 100 years since I've updated. A lot has been happening, but I have to say that my depression is at bay!!! I'm going to school full time and working full time, plus taking care of the little smunchkin. My husband has been really helpful, although he's been battling lupus. I don't have much else to day beyond that. :) How have all of you been??? :)

Vanessa

The photographer, and dear friend who took the pictures of Gabriel passed away today. We don't know any details, but we do know that she will be terribly missed. She was a wonderful person and amazing talent. But, God needed His angel back. RIP Vanessa. We will miss you!

So, it does get better...

So, depression does get better, but there are times where you feel it lurking in the background, waiting for the perfect moment to take over your life again. That's where I am today. I guess it's a day by day basis. I'm working hard at keeping it at bay and I WILL succeed because I refuse to be back where I was. I just hope that will power is enough. I think last time I fell into it so quickly, my will power was gone. Now, I'm stronger and know what's happening. Hopefully I'm not fooling myself, thinking I can control something that cannot be controlled. I'm on my meds and that's helping tremendously, so maybe that's all that I can ask for.

Well, I'm at work, so this is short. Thanks for reading!

Life at work, without my Little Squirt

So, I've been at work for about a month and things are going well. I miss my little guy, but it is what it is. We all need to work... The depression has lifted, although for a couple of days I decided not to take some of my meds. That was a bad idea... So, I'm back on all of them. Bummer. One of them, of which I'm on a particularly high dose, causes facial ticks. I am already developing a tick.... So, I'm going to talk to my doctor at my next visit to get that decreased. Well, work must be done now, so off I go. Thank you all for following this and being so supportive. I hope this blog helps someone going through PPD. There IS hope!