Friday, May 13, 2011

Why didn't I see this earlier???

I am so angry with myself. Since my depression lifted, I have been on the go. I work full time, go to school full time, work my Mary Kay business, write for, take care of my little Gabriel and my husband who has lupus. Well, something feel through the cracks..... And I cannot forgive myself.

Here's the story...The night that Gabriel was born, my husband was by my side. He was so attentive and we both cried tears of joy and relief as soon as we laid eyes on our sweet baby boy. Well, that happen to be the turning point for both of us. My depression and anxiety started almost immediately. I began worrying about earthquakes and SIDS. And, well, you all know the story from there. Once I got better, I hit the ground running. I was so happy to be free of my depression, I can't even express. It was a slow process, but I came back!

What I didn't see, and I should have and this is what hurts me the most... my husband has been battling severe depression since that first night too. I was so wrapped up in my own world, in my own depression, I didn't see it. He's not the type to vocalize how he feels, so he didn't say a word.

Basically, I noticed things like, he stopped shaving and grew this HUGE, LONG beard. I thought... um.. ok. Then he stopped getting his hair cut. He began to put on some weight. When we would talk about it, he would say it was due to his medication and his lupus. I believed him. But it kept getting worse. All the medication for his lupus was causing all these side effects, but he would explain it was simply the lupus that was causing all the trouble.

Now, it is common for him to sleep for the entire weekend. And I mean the ENTIRE weekend. From Friday night to Sunday night/ Monday morning. I don't see him anymore. We don't talk. He's always sleeping. I blamed myself, thinking maybe I shouldn't be in school, that it's taking time from us. But he would be asleep all that time anyway...

So, last night I begged him to go to the outpatient program that I attended. He said he would think about it. If anyone out there prays, please say a quick prayer for my husband so he will get the help he needs/ deserves. Why I didn't put everything together earlier is beyond me. I feel horrible. He's been suffering and I didn't know. He's been in torment and I didn't see. I've been there myself and should have seen the symptoms 1000 miles away, but I didn't. I don't know if I can forgive myself for that.