Saturday, November 27, 2010


So, I decided I want to go back to school. I was enrolled in this school and missed just going back by one quarter. So, I had to go through the application process again. Well, on the application form it asked if I had ever undergone psychological treatment.... Nice. So, I didn't lie. I said "Yes". Well, now they are giving me a hard time and wants to talk to my therapist before they think they are going to let me in. I JUST went there! So, now I am finding a different college. I'm fed up with their attitude about this. I'm not ashamed of what I've gone through and I'm not going to let it stop me from achieving my dreams. I don't know if my old college is going to let me back in, so I'm moving on. Liberty University, here I come!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Good old "friend"

Yesterday, I was off on taking my medication and as much as I felt I was getting better, I realized just how much the medication helps. My intrusive thoughts and depression started coming back. Dammit! I really wanted to think it was gone. I truly thought it was. I thought I was better, and maybe I was, but it wasn't really me.... it was the medication. Does that count?

I know if you're reading this, you must be just as tired of hearing that I'm depressed as I am of saying it. Will this ever end?

Friday, November 19, 2010

Haven't posted in a while

Sorry about that. I graduated from my program a couple of days ago so I am officially on my own. Well, sorta, but you get my drift. Things have been going well. I am planning on going back to school, so that has made me very happy. The baby is whining right now and that sucks. He's fussy, tired and won't go to sleep. Poor little dude.

Every day I pray my depression doesn't come back. I know it's something that I will have to fight when/ if it does and sometimes I wonder if I have the strength. God doesn't give us more than we can handle, right?? Why on earth did He think I could ever handle this? Oh.... this is getting me funky. I'll post more later. Toodles! :)

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Getting better

Well finally! It' almost 1 in the morning and the whole family is asleep, yet I'm sitting up on here. I've always been a night owl. But, I can honestly say, from the bottom of my heart that depression does lift! Anxiety does mellow. Sleep does come. I believe that through the proper medication, therapy and support, I see a light. I see that light that everyone so annoyingly talks about. I pray that all of you struggling with PPD/ PPA/ PPP etc will notice that shift. The shift that happens when you realize that you actually see the future and it's not only existent, but it's healthy, happy, joyful. I pray that the thought monkeys go to sleep. They may not die, but they will sleep for a long time. Your brain becomes your own again and depression doesn't own you. I pray that you are not a victim, but instead that depression is your victim. You won't be like a leaf blowing in every direction due to depression, but you are strong like that tree that grows the leaf.

Do I fear that it will come back, yes. Is it here now? No. That is all I need to know and I will live life in these moments and not in fear of the ones to come.

Friday, November 12, 2010

This touches my heart...

When all is said and done
Will we still feel pain inside?
Will the scars go away with night?
Try to smile for the morning light
It's like the best dream to have
Where every thing is not so bad
Every tear is so alone
Like God himself is coming home to say

I, I can do anything
If you want me here
And I can fix any thing
If you let me near
Where are those secrets now
That you're too scared to tell
I'd whisper them all aloud
So you can hear yourself

Green trees were the first sign
The deepest blue, the clearest sky
The silence came with the brightest eyes
And turned water into wine
The children ran to see
The parents stood in disbelief
And those who knew braced for the ride
The earth itself then came alive to say

I, I can do anything
If you want me here
And I can fix anything
If you let me near
Where are those secrets now
That you're too scared to tell
I whisper them all aloud
So you can hear yourself

I'm sorry I have to say it but you look like you're sad
Your smile is gone; I've noticed it bad
The cure is if you let in just a little more love
I promise you this, a little's enough

(Just a little...)

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Well, well, well...

Went to see one of my many doctors on Friday and she has increased my Abilify to 15mg, my Xanax to .5mg three times a day and 1 mg at bedtime. All in all, I thought I was getting better, but it's just the sleep issue that has me in a twitch now. But tonight, I was vacuuming in the nursery, and there it was again.... The freakiest thing. If I had been asked to put money on this thought being true, I would have bet the farm. I was convinced someone ran up behind me. I thought a man was in the room with me, running up behind me ready to grab me. I whipped around, ready to fight, and was greeted by nothing but the closet and a bouncer. Dammit! Not that I'm not happy there wasn't a serial killer in the house, but I'm angry that a thought like that would feel so real. Well, another day toward freedom from this... One day closer to that stupid light people swear is at the end of the tunnel. I think it might be there. At least, I'm not as bad as I used to be... Can't I find some solace in that?

Monday, November 1, 2010


Can't sleep... cannot sleep. It's been about two weeks of either insomnia or nightmares. Hmmmm. Interesting. What is this new development you might ask? So do I! I told my husband earlier today we might have a "Fight Club" scenario on our hands if we're not careful. So, tonight, 1 1/2 Ambien, 10 mg Abilify, and sleep? God, I hope so. Yoinks! The child just projectile vomited!