New day...

It is absolutely gorgeous outside today. It rained last night and cleared the air, so it's just beautiful. I can enjoy it today. Just had a friend come by and we got to enjoy each others company. She brought her 7 month old, so I got to see what is awaiting us. Sitting up, crawling, being a precious baby. Moods and feelings are are bay today. Nothing too extreme. I cannot ask for more. I feel pretty good. I love to see weather like this, so that helps.

I haven't been sleeping well. Nightmares mostly. But, last night, on top of the myriad of other medications, I took a Vicodin. That helps me sleep and it was nice. Finally to get a decent night of sleep. The little Booger was with a friend, so no 5 am cries. Just rain. We'll see how tonight goes....

As the guilt rolls in...

After a few days of an upswing, my good old friend of depression has decided to make a comeback. It's the loudest voice I hear and it tells me things like, I'm an unfit mother, I'm too selfish to have a child, this will never get better, I will never get better, along with a myriad of other "truths". My husband, God bless him, is so supportive, but again, depression is making me feel like I'm a burden to him.

I had a nightmare last night that I was being attacked by all these animals and spiders, then I found my husband and he took me out to sushi... dreams can be so odd. Well, anyway, we got into a fight in this dream and I said I was going to kill myself, and he said, "Please, go ahead and just do it!" It was heartbreaking.

I've been having nightmares since my dr. put me on Xanax, so I've decided I won't be taking it at night anymore. Maybe at least the nightmares will stop.

I hate the ugliness of depression. It's just so ugly and hateful and it robs you of your life. It takes away joy, hope and anything positive. It does it so gleefully, leaving the person standing there a shell of a person, essentially without a soul.

I should be going to sleep, but depression is even telling me I don't deserve to sleep in my warm bed with my husband by my side. It's telling me that I deserve to sleep on the cold hard floor, because that's all I deserve. Hell, at this point... maybe it is.?

Not even sure what to say today...

I did get a wonderful letter from an online friend telling me that this blog has been helping her and encouraged her to go get help. That means the world to me. That's the sole purpose of this. My biggest wish and prayer is that no one else would EVER have to deal with this. Or any other mental illness for that matter. I keep thinking back to my days in the hospital and remember now sick I was, and I'm getting better bit by bit, day by day. As none of us will ever be perfect, we can be "our" perfect. We can be healthy, happy and be able to experience joy. That's something I haven't felt in a long long time. But each day I see a glimpse of it, just a flash, which is enough to get me up in the morning. I'm not healed, but I do my thing. Sometimes, that's all we can ask for.

New Meds

So,my anxiety has been off the charts. I went to see my dr. today and she finally put me on Xanax instead of the Kolopin. We'll see how it works. I'm a little bit of a wreck... Hoping my depression doesn't come back. That's about all I have time to post right now. Hopefully more will come later. :)

It's a good day

So today we did a mindful meditation in therapy and it actually did wonders. We had done this several times before, but this time it was different. It's basically being mindful of your breath, thoughts, and being. You focus on just one breath at a time. As your mind wonders, which it will, just bring it back to the breath. Well, as usual, my mind did start to wonder and this time we were to embrace the thought, examine it and not push it away. One suicidal thought that had been plaguing me for years popped into my head... Instead of letting it attack me and take over, I investigated it, looked at it, reversed it and suddenly it lost all it's power! I was shocked by the entire experience. So, today has been a good day. The first truly good day in months. My soul is tired, but not broken. I'm tired, but hopefully not broken. I promised my son I will get better and I will keep that promise.

Rough one....

I can tell my depression is taking it's toll on my husband. Poor guy has to pick up my slack and my slack is horrible. Today the suicidal thoughts have been raging, but I wouldn't dare tell anyone in therapy, or they'll put me on a 5150 and hold me for days. I don't want to mention it to my husband because he has enough to worry about. I had a meltdown in the front yard today, enough that a neighbor came over to make sure I was doing ok. I'm not. I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I don't want to talk to anyone, do anything. Just sit here... or preferably sleep. Everything is so black. And I don't know how to change the color.

Up and Down....

It's amazing how up and down emotions can go. This morning I work up motivated. I was going to clean the house, work on some of the therapy homework, but suddenly I realized that my brain wanted to do these things, but my body physically couldn't. Then after working on my office for a bit, making it all pretty, I started to cry. I invited my good friend over and we took a walk to a garage sale, then to the store. We laughed a bit and watched a movie. We talked and goofed off. Then she took off. Now... I'm down again. I feel like I need someone to manage me all the time. It's rough. But it IS getting better. Even if I don't believe it all right now, I will happen soon. It has to. I promised my son.

My promise to Gabriel

Gabriel,
My precious son. I promise I will get better and you will get the Mommy you deserve. You did not ask to come into this world, and we brought you here. I promise to make your life the best I can for you. I love you with all my heart and want nothing more than to be there for you, support you, care for you and be the best Mommy you could ever ask for. I ask for time and understanding and thank God that you are just a joy and gift to me and your Daddy. I will get better so we can have the lives I have dreamed of for all of us. I will get better so you won't have to grow up with a Mommy you are ashamed of. I will get better for you, because you deserve it. I will get better. I promise.

Exhausted... but looking back

It's amazing how tired this all can make you. I don't know if it's the depression, or the medication, but I am simply drained of everything. I wish I could figure out which meds are causing this, but I don't want to think of the consequences of not taking something during this experiment.

However looking back to where I was about a month ago, I am amazed. The intrusive thoughts have almost completely stopped when they were every other minute. The night I was admitted into the hospital, I was completely incapable of taking care of myself. I see that now, but didn't realize it at the time. So, I'm seeing such a huge improvement. It's still an uphill battle, but things are getting better. I want to be normal, whatever that is, but I can tell you it's not what I've been. I have so much more to say, but am simply too tired to type.

With that, I'm going to sleep. I cannot even fathom this level of exhaustion. It's insanity... no pun intended...

On a rough day... this is how I think...

I hate myself. I want to be a good mother, but I feel like I'm such a failure. People tell me I'm a great mother, but it doesn't matter. My thoughts are the loudest things I hear.

I know what I want out of life, but I can reach them? Right now I don't have any energy or effort to make them happen.

People say I need time for myself, but aren't those days gone now that I'm a mom? And what if the things I want in life are wrong? I don't trust myself at all. Never did. Well, I did maybe a long time ago, but not anymore.

My thoughts are all scattered. I'm anxious and I don't know why. I miss Gabe, but when I'm with him I get anxious. God, I hate this. I hate this person I've become. Completely scattered, without self assurance and lost.

Shopping

Went shopping today, as I'm in that lovely limbo between regular clothes and maternity clothing. I found a couple of shirts and pairs of pants. That lightened my mood, then I thought "where am I going to wear these?" Well, not to work anytime soon... I'll be wearing them to therapy. Hmmmm.

I do like the outpatient program I'm in though. It's odd how just talking in a group setting can help. I got a referral for an outside therapist and will be calling her tomorrow. The meds that I'm on have made me perpetually groggy, but I suppose that's a small price to pay. My intrusive thoughts have settled down tremendously and I have begun to recognize my anxiety when it hits. My depression is still up and down, but my doctors seem to think that another 6 months out of work is the best for me. Another 6 months..... that's a long time. But I need it to bet my head working straight again.

This month is Depression awareness month. Not many people know that because it's also Breast Cancer Awareness month. But I'm going to donate 10-15% of my Mary Lay sales to PPD awareness or Breast Cancer Awareness, whichever the client chooses.

I think that's it for now.

Something funny for a change....

This is so funny and has really made us all laugh a lot. Hope you enjoy...

So tired...

So, not that there is much to say today, I'll say what I can. I came home from the hospital program exhausted and slept and slept. Today has been a rougher day, but aren't they all when you're depressed? GOD! I'm so tired of hearing that word. Let's call it something else. Let's call it "happy challenged" or hell... "Louise". Anything but that same damned word I've been saying and hearing over and over and over for what seems like months now.

My husband is dancing in front of the CD player with our little boy in his arms, swaying back and forth. It brings a zen to the house. Externally I feel it, internally there is something else going on. I want internal zen. I want internal peace. I want internal happiness. But right now I can want and want, and that void waiting to be filled by all those things gets drier and drier, remaining empty, and sad.

I realized today that I don't know how to live in the moment. That was quite the realization for me. I don't know what it's like to just relax on the beach and take in that moment. My mind torments me by racing, taking me out of the sunshine and warmth, into panic and anxiety. So, I lose the moment. I think of the people around me, possibly judging me and my body type, to the work I should be doing at home, to even the small things like making sure that the cooler is right by me, in case I get thirsty, but then my hand will get wet when I get my drink and sand will stick to it, making a mess, then I won't drink my drink all at once, so I'll have to put it down and it will get hot.... Then I'll be thinking about how are we going to pack up, although we just got there. We'll grab this first, then this.... Meanwhile, the joy, fun and zen that was waiting to fill that void in my soul, go elsewhere, because there isn't any room for them to come in. The revolving door of racing thoughts was going too fast for them to slide in.

The baby is fussy. Poor guy is so cute even when he's fussy. Sometimes, I'll catch myself giggling at the cutest faces he makes when he has a fit. He doesn't mean to be cute at that point, he is trying to tell us "something is wrong people!" But that doesn't mean that he can't be adorable while trying.

He's going to go get his 2 months shots tomorrow. Poor little guy. I have to be at the hospital, so Danny will be taking him. He'll need some extra loves tomorrow.

Oh, I also found out today that memory is affected by being "happy challenged". I was wondering why I would have a conversation with someone and 20 minutes later, start up the conversation. I kept thinking, "Hell, I used to be smart, at least I thought I was... what is this?" "Louise" affects your memory, which is why I have to think about spelling words, talking is difficult, and I will stutter slightly. It will also affect concentration. Just in the time that I've been typing this, I've caught myself staring off into some fantastical place, mentally wandering around, just to get snapped back. There are so many elements to this, I can see why I can't just "snap out of it", or, "don't worry, you're a first time mom." or any of the other myriad of meaningful yet ultimately helpless sayings I get all the time from loving family and friends. There are no bootstraps for me to pull myself up with. My brain is broken right now. It can be fixed, but going out to take a walk, or just "lighten up" makes me feel like I'm going to a sword fight with a nail file.

Alright, I am still tired, but I've said my piece for anyone who cares. To those people who do read this, I thank you. Thank you for caring enough to see how I am doing. I wish I had better news other than the same daily drab. To those who have found solace or help in reading this, my heart does humbly thank you and for that I feel joy and happiness. So, thank you.

In my journal today

While waiting for the day to start this morning at the hospital, I took out my journal and began to write. Here is what I wrote.

Why can't I just get better right now? Am I that f'ed up that it's going to take freaking months before this happens? It might even take years. Then precious Gabriel will have to grow up with a mother who loves him more than herself, but can barely express it. My love for him is so deep, yet I haven't been the one to feed him in weeks. I want to genuinely smile during the day. Not force it. I want peace and serenity in my soul. Why would I have a soul that belongs to God, yet have no joy in it?

I'm sitting at the hospital for the fourth day, away from the family to talk about my feelings I can hardly express. I know there has to be a reason for this and maybe one day I'll be blessed enough to see what that is. For now, I'll just numbly go through the motions... hoping for the best.

So, I'm supposed to journal...

This is what I wrote in my journal last night.... it's amazing how dark the mind can get. Again, up and down like a runaway roller coaster.

So, I'm supposed to journal in the hope that I'll one day be normal again. Whatever that means. Right now, I feel very trapped within myself. Inside is self hatred, loathing, sadness, discontentment, doubt and disgust, just to name a few. How do I change that? People, like friends and family can tell me over and over that these things are not true, but honestly, it doesn't matter. I see what I see and feel what I feel. The darkness surrounds me and it's as black as night. I know logically that I'm incredibly blessed with a loving husband, gorgeous child and our needs are met. But it's not the outside that I see. It's the inside.

I know if I were to die, people would mourn, but then sooner or later they would forget. Meanwhile, the pain would be over. You can always discuss the theological side of this debate, yet I am a Child of God. What would He think? Or did He know all along? I have a hard time believing you can surprise God.

One day, maybe I'll look back at this and do one of two things. Laugh or cry. I guess we'll have to see. And I'm speaking "NO" to the current intrusive thought that I won't read it again because I'll be dead.

I'm an unwilling participant on this roller coaster

Some days are up... so days are down. Nighttime is usually the hardest. I had a great time with a friend today and once she left, my roller coaster started. I have taken all my meds... don't know what else to do, but maybe say something here. Yet, I sit here, unaware of what to say. The words coming to my mind are trapped within myself, hopeless, sad, finished. Had one intrusive thought today, but I guess that is a far cry from the hell I was living before. I am just sitting here... staring. No motivation, no desire. I know my passions, and usually pursuing those will bring me back home again, but they seem so far out of reach, they don't even seem to be a possibility.

I feel like someone just threw me on this vicious roller coaster, didn't strap me in and just hatefully let it go. Now I'm hanging on for dear life, slipping just a little with each dip, turn and roll.

I think I'll go to bed early tonight. I didn't get much sleep last night. Spent about 30 minutes trying to sleep, but crying because I miss my baby. We get to pick him up from his little vacation tomorrow. Grandma is busy spoiling him. I think I might cry again tonight... who knows? For now, I'm going to call it a night... maybe.

As I should be in bed... I'm posting more

So, I've now been to my outpatient therapy sessions for two days. It seems to be going well. The sessions go by pretty quickly and the people are nice. I felt pretty good for most of the day today. I think mostly due to the fact that I finally got to go to dance last night. First was ballet from 5-6:30, then Jazz from 6:45-10pm. Long night, but great. It is true that the hardest thing to do is to go, but once you're there, wherever that is... it's worth it.

I don't want to sound like a broken record about PPD etc. or sound like I'm living in a consistent pity party. I'm fighting this and will get through it. I miss my baby so much and cannot wait until he's back from his "Grandma's" house. In the meantime, I'm going to relax as much as possible, go to my Mary Kay Red Jacket meeting tomorrow and do some facials/ makeovers. Those are fun to me, so regardless of how I feel, or how hard it is to get out of bed, I'm going to do these things. God did not put me on this earth to suffer.... So, today is a better day and I'm going with that.

Had a great visit with my friend tonight, we watched "Battle Royale", a disturbing, but great movie, and we laughed and joked otherwise. That is what life should be like. Not in the colorless, hopeless world that I've been trapped in for 2.5 months. I'm fighting this.

Out of work for SO LONG!!

So, today I saw my psychiatrist and she said I should be out of work for at least another 3-4 months because my PPD etc. was so severe. Now I may not be back at work until the new year. She also recommended I take some time away from my sweet precious baby. :( Thankfully we have family and friends that are willing to step in and help. She said she normally doesn't suggest time away from the baby, but she thought it was for the best. He is at his Adoptive Grandmother (Yolanda's) house this weekend and I miss him so badly. This is just a vicious cycle..... But my anxiety is so high and my poor husband was doing everything. We also hired a nanny to help with everything.

I've been going to my outpatient program at the hospital and will be going for another 6-8 weeks. That coupled with the meds should put me back on track and I get to see my sweet LO on Sunday.

All in all.... freakin' PPD sucks!!!!

This is who I used to be

One day I will be this person again.  This is a piece that I choreographed and performed in for a showcase a few years ago.  The first part is dark because the lighting designer.... did something... but if you can hang through that, the lights come up and you can see... You can really start to see something around 1:10.

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