Wednesday, October 27, 2010

As the guilt rolls in...

After a few days of an upswing, my good old friend of depression has decided to make a comeback. It's the loudest voice I hear and it tells me things like, I'm an unfit mother, I'm too selfish to have a child, this will never get better, I will never get better, along with a myriad of other "truths". My husband, God bless him, is so supportive, but again, depression is making me feel like I'm a burden to him.

I had a nightmare last night that I was being attacked by all these animals and spiders, then I found my husband and he took me out to sushi... dreams can be so odd. Well, anyway, we got into a fight in this dream and I said I was going to kill myself, and he said, "Please, go ahead and just do it!" It was heartbreaking.

I've been having nightmares since my dr. put me on Xanax, so I've decided I won't be taking it at night anymore. Maybe at least the nightmares will stop.

I hate the ugliness of depression. It's just so ugly and hateful and it robs you of your life. It takes away joy, hope and anything positive. It does it so gleefully, leaving the person standing there a shell of a person, essentially without a soul.

I should be going to sleep, but depression is even telling me I don't deserve to sleep in my warm bed with my husband by my side. It's telling me that I deserve to sleep on the cold hard floor, because that's all I deserve. Hell, at this point... maybe it is.?

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