Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Even after all these months...

Months after being diagnosed with severe PPD, PPA and now what they think was OCD, I'm still on medication.  My severe depression has lifted, however today is a rough day....  I can feel it looming.  Waiting for the perfect opportunity to pounce.  I think about the Outpatient program I was in, and I miss it.  There was safety there.  I could be myself there.  And although it is associated with a horrible time in my life, I still remember how I was free to analyze my depression, in a comfortable place where there was no judgment.  Now, in the "real world" I catch myself putting on the fake smile, pretending to care and be happy.... when there are times that I'm not. 

I also was late on my medication today, so that could be part of it.  I may never be "normal" again.  But maybe this is my "normal" and I have to learn to live with that.

I had another intrusive thought last night... I'm on guard now.  I'm scared.  I don't want to go back.

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