Months after being diagnosed with severe PPD, PPA and now what they think was OCD, I'm still on medication. My severe depression has lifted, however today is a rough day.... I can feel it looming. Waiting for the perfect opportunity to pounce. I think about the Outpatient program I was in, and I miss it. There was safety there. I could be myself there. And although it is associated with a horrible time in my life, I still remember how I was free to analyze my depression, in a comfortable place where there was no judgment. Now, in the "real world" I catch myself putting on the fake smile, pretending to care and be happy.... when there are times that I'm not.
I also was late on my medication today, so that could be part of it. I may never be "normal" again. But maybe this is my "normal" and I have to learn to live with that.
I had another intrusive thought last night... I'm on guard now. I'm scared. I don't want to go back.