Have you ever experienced this? It's the hatred truly of yourself. I see no good in me, although my husband, family and friends tell me differently. They tell me I have a great sense of humor and a great laugh, yet deep underneath, there is a hatred that I cannot seem to tolerate or remedy. Then I think, how can I love this precious little angel that is such a gift from God, and my husband, family and friends so much, when I loathe myself. I hate the mental situation that I'm in. I feel weak, powerless, tired. My interests are gone. I would rather sleep or sometimes just simply stare.
I feel out of control, confused and dreadful. I have no insights to this. I don't know why I feel this toward myself. It is partial hormones... blah, blah, blah, but that doesn't change the fact that my mind feels as if it is real... so therefore it is.
I have NEVER had a plan for suicide, nor do I ever plan on having one, however, the intrusive thoughts keep telling me how much easier it would be if I weren't here. The "thought monkeys" tell me that I'm a waste of space, skin, and air. My husband tells me to counteract that with positive thoughts, yet I ask this.... How can I find positivity when I'm trapped in hell?
I found your blog via Baby Center. I'm trapped in a PPD/PPA relapse and yes, it is hell. Your last line really sticks with me, "How can I find positivity when I'm trapped in hell?" As hard as we may try to explain our mental illness to our husbands and others, it is only those of us who are experiencing the symptoms who grasp it and understand. I understand you. I wish I didn't, but I do. My PPD/PPA began when I went back to work at 9 weeks postpartum (around then). It was about 6 weeks later I admittedly had a problem and got help via medication. I thought I was better and weaned back in January(ish). Hell is back now though and stronger than before.... I used to blog everyday and I was actually funny. My blog started as my outlet for PPD/PPA. Now I blog about once a week just to update my readers on the hell I live in... AGAIN!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're back in hell. It does lift as you well know and I'm terrified it will come back with a vengeance. People don't truly understand until they have lived it. It's horror beyond words. I'm with you. Let's hang in there together!
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