New day...

It is absolutely gorgeous outside today. It rained last night and cleared the air, so it's just beautiful. I can enjoy it today. Just had a friend come by and we got to enjoy each others company. She brought her 7 month old, so I got to see what is awaiting us. Sitting up, crawling, being a precious baby. Moods and feelings are are bay today. Nothing too extreme. I cannot ask for more. I feel pretty good. I love to see weather like this, so that helps.

I haven't been sleeping well. Nightmares mostly. But, last night, on top of the myriad of other medications, I took a Vicodin. That helps me sleep and it was nice. Finally to get a decent night of sleep. The little Booger was with a friend, so no 5 am cries. Just rain. We'll see how tonight goes....

As the guilt rolls in...

After a few days of an upswing, my good old friend of depression has decided to make a comeback. It's the loudest voice I hear and it tells me things like, I'm an unfit mother, I'm too selfish to have a child, this will never get better, I will never get better, along with a myriad of other "truths". My husband, God bless him, is so supportive, but again, depression is making me feel like I'm a burden to him.

I had a nightmare last night that I was being attacked by all these animals and spiders, then I found my husband and he took me out to sushi... dreams can be so odd. Well, anyway, we got into a fight in this dream and I said I was going to kill myself, and he said, "Please, go ahead and just do it!" It was heartbreaking.

I've been having nightmares since my dr. put me on Xanax, so I've decided I won't be taking it at night anymore. Maybe at least the nightmares will stop.

I hate the ugliness of depression. It's just so ugly and hateful and it robs you of your life. It takes away joy, hope and anything positive. It does it so gleefully, leaving the person standing there a shell of a person, essentially without a soul.

I should be going to sleep, but depression is even telling me I don't deserve to sleep in my warm bed with my husband by my side. It's telling me that I deserve to sleep on the cold hard floor, because that's all I deserve. Hell, at this point... maybe it is.?

Not even sure what to say today...

I did get a wonderful letter from an online friend telling me that this blog has been helping her and encouraged her to go get help. That means the world to me. That's the sole purpose of this. My biggest wish and prayer is that no one else would EVER have to deal with this. Or any other mental illness for that matter. I keep thinking back to my days in the hospital and remember now sick I was, and I'm getting better bit by bit, day by day. As none of us will ever be perfect, we can be "our" perfect. We can be healthy, happy and be able to experience joy. That's something I haven't felt in a long long time. But each day I see a glimpse of it, just a flash, which is enough to get me up in the morning. I'm not healed, but I do my thing. Sometimes, that's all we can ask for.

New Meds

So,my anxiety has been off the charts. I went to see my dr. today and she finally put me on Xanax instead of the Kolopin. We'll see how it works. I'm a little bit of a wreck... Hoping my depression doesn't come back. That's about all I have time to post right now. Hopefully more will come later. :)

It's a good day

So today we did a mindful meditation in therapy and it actually did wonders. We had done this several times before, but this time it was different. It's basically being mindful of your breath, thoughts, and being. You focus on just one breath at a time. As your mind wonders, which it will, just bring it back to the breath. Well, as usual, my mind did start to wonder and this time we were to embrace the thought, examine it and not push it away. One suicidal thought that had been plaguing me for years popped into my head... Instead of letting it attack me and take over, I investigated it, looked at it, reversed it and suddenly it lost all it's power! I was shocked by the entire experience. So, today has been a good day. The first truly good day in months. My soul is tired, but not broken. I'm tired, but hopefully not broken. I promised my son I will get better and I will keep that promise.

Rough one....

I can tell my depression is taking it's toll on my husband. Poor guy has to pick up my slack and my slack is horrible. Today the suicidal thoughts have been raging, but I wouldn't dare tell anyone in therapy, or they'll put me on a 5150 and hold me for days. I don't want to mention it to my husband because he has enough to worry about. I had a meltdown in the front yard today, enough that a neighbor came over to make sure I was doing ok. I'm not. I'm so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I don't want to talk to anyone, do anything. Just sit here... or preferably sleep. Everything is so black. And I don't know how to change the color.

Up and Down....

It's amazing how up and down emotions can go. This morning I work up motivated. I was going to clean the house, work on some of the therapy homework, but suddenly I realized that my brain wanted to do these things, but my body physically couldn't. Then after working on my office for a bit, making it all pretty, I started to cry. I invited my good friend over and we took a walk to a garage sale, then to the store. We laughed a bit and watched a movie. We talked and goofed off. Then she took off. Now... I'm down again. I feel like I need someone to manage me all the time. It's rough. But it IS getting better. Even if I don't believe it all right now, I will happen soon. It has to. I promised my son.