The new chapter... starting... in a minute.

So, after all of these years, I've been looking back at my PPD days, wondering what sequence of events throughout my life brought me to such a dark place.  When I started this blog I was confused, scared, and incredibly sick.  Now, three years later, I am graduating from Liberty University with my Bachelors in Psychology and I plan on going to get my Masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling.  The period of my life that this blog chronicles changed the course of my life from that moment forward.  Now, the debate is on in my brain.  Do I start a new blog or continue my journey here.  This blog has a very special place in my heart, even though life has taken me away from it for quite some time.  This blog holds my hurts, fears, pains, and regrets.  It is raw, emotional and real.  I think that is why the decision has been made to continue here.  I will continue to post what has brought me to the point where I am today.  What pain, elation, ups and downs brought me to the second floor acute psych ward back in 2010.  The not-so-normal life of a wanna be normal girl.  Or maybe it's the other way around.  Maybe by the end of this story I'll be able to tell the difference.  Until then, I'll just write.  I'll discover, uncover and analyze everything from my first memory to my last.  I'll think, recap, think again.  If you want to come along with me on this journey, I would love to have the company.  If not, I respect that and me and my little buddy blog with travel this road alone.  This blog has served me well and it's new life is about to begin.  Resurrection time, my friend.  Let's get this show on the road! 

Going on a trip to help people in need.

I am going on a trip to help those less fortunate, and I trying to raise money and awareness for this issue. Women leaving polygamous relationships have nothing. They have no education, food, money, clothing, anything. I am trying to help them and others trapped in situations like this. If you are interested in supporting this mission, please consider going to one of these sites and ordering something. 100% of the profits are going toward this mission.
www.marykay.com/sroberts137
and
www.youravon.com/sandiroberts
Thank you so much and if you have any questions, feel free to email me. I know it's an odd mission to be a part of, but these people are sometimes child brides, trafficked, and abused. They need all the help they can get, especially if they have made the decision to leave. Thank you so much!
Or if you're not interested in any of those items, and you still want to be a part of it, you can paypal to spiriteddancer137@gmail.com. Thanks!

You can also go to:  http://www.gofundme.com/p1io0

Thank you so much!

Medication is working again.

Thank God!  That is all.

Nope.... I lied

So, the Abilify WAS working, but.... today I'm back to wondering what it's like to have a bullet go through my head.  Was that too much?  Welcome to my world.

Abilify...

Is working.....  Whew!  Ok.... two days down.  Let's see how this rolls. 

Here we go again....

Hi old friend... or whatever you are.  Depression, intrusive thoughts, suicidal ideation....  they're all back.  Don't know why, how or what the purpose is, but it's all back.  I'm back on Abilify to see if that will make it stop.  If not, I'm becoming more and more open to going back to the hospital.... ONLY for the Partial Hospitalization Program... anything beyond that.... will be against my will...

Let's see how this goes...

Even after all these months...

Months after being diagnosed with severe PPD, PPA and now what they think was OCD, I'm still on medication.  My severe depression has lifted, however today is a rough day....  I can feel it looming.  Waiting for the perfect opportunity to pounce.  I think about the Outpatient program I was in, and I miss it.  There was safety there.  I could be myself there.  And although it is associated with a horrible time in my life, I still remember how I was free to analyze my depression, in a comfortable place where there was no judgment.  Now, in the "real world" I catch myself putting on the fake smile, pretending to care and be happy.... when there are times that I'm not. 

I also was late on my medication today, so that could be part of it.  I may never be "normal" again.  But maybe this is my "normal" and I have to learn to live with that.

I had another intrusive thought last night... I'm on guard now.  I'm scared.  I don't want to go back.

Beauty

The Apocalypse is upon us!

Totally off subject from the usual... but this is Important!
So, if you didn’t know… the Apocalypse is upon us… May 21, 2011 is our last day. According to the wecanknow.com website, they are, “no longer offering free printed materials since there is not enough time remaining for us to effectively produce and distribute them”

From the website, “Christ Returns May 21, 2011
Sorry, we are no longer accepting requests for free materials.”

What are you going to do with your last days on earth?  Apparently, Camping and his followers are still going to accept donations....

Africa?!!?

So, I'm looking at my stats and I see that someone, or someone(s), if that's even a word, has been on here from Africa. Come out of hiding and tell me who you are!!! :) I'm so curious to see who on earth would be checking this blog from Africa! Come out, come out, whoever you are! :)

Where is everyone from? Hopefully the person or people from Africa will speak up. I'm so curious. :)

Why didn't I see this earlier???

I am so angry with myself. Since my depression lifted, I have been on the go. I work full time, go to school full time, work my Mary Kay business, write for Examiner.com, take care of my little Gabriel and my husband who has lupus. Well, something feel through the cracks..... And I cannot forgive myself.

Here's the story...The night that Gabriel was born, my husband was by my side. He was so attentive and we both cried tears of joy and relief as soon as we laid eyes on our sweet baby boy. Well, that happen to be the turning point for both of us. My depression and anxiety started almost immediately. I began worrying about earthquakes and SIDS. And, well, you all know the story from there. Once I got better, I hit the ground running. I was so happy to be free of my depression, I can't even express. It was a slow process, but I came back!

What I didn't see, and I should have and this is what hurts me the most... my husband has been battling severe depression since that first night too. I was so wrapped up in my own world, in my own depression, I didn't see it. He's not the type to vocalize how he feels, so he didn't say a word.

Basically, I noticed things like, he stopped shaving and grew this HUGE, LONG beard. I thought... um.. ok. Then he stopped getting his hair cut. He began to put on some weight. When we would talk about it, he would say it was due to his medication and his lupus. I believed him. But it kept getting worse. All the medication for his lupus was causing all these side effects, but he would explain it was simply the lupus that was causing all the trouble.

Now, it is common for him to sleep for the entire weekend. And I mean the ENTIRE weekend. From Friday night to Sunday night/ Monday morning. I don't see him anymore. We don't talk. He's always sleeping. I blamed myself, thinking maybe I shouldn't be in school, that it's taking time from us. But he would be asleep all that time anyway...

So, last night I begged him to go to the outpatient program that I attended. He said he would think about it. If anyone out there prays, please say a quick prayer for my husband so he will get the help he needs/ deserves. Why I didn't put everything together earlier is beyond me. I feel horrible. He's been suffering and I didn't know. He's been in torment and I didn't see. I've been there myself and should have seen the symptoms 1000 miles away, but I didn't. I don't know if I can forgive myself for that.

Depression is evil

So, now my depression is at bay... my husband is battling it. He was diagnosed with Lupus when I was pregnant and it has really taken it's toll on him. I went through a read some of this blog last night and I swear I didn't realize how dark things were. I knew I was in trouble, but reading back on it... it was so DARK! Now, he is sleeping all the time and hardly ever speaks. If you can keep him in your prayers, that would be awesome. He's my everything and I can't help him. Now, I'm also worried about my son. Will he have to battle it as well???? God, I hope not.

I was thinking last night that I don't want to go off my medication at all. I didn't realize how horrible it had been and I don't ever want to go there again. It's fair to say that I'm scared. So very scared.

Updating!

So, it's been 100 years since I've updated. A lot has been happening, but I have to say that my depression is at bay!!! I'm going to school full time and working full time, plus taking care of the little smunchkin. My husband has been really helpful, although he's been battling lupus. I don't have much else to day beyond that. :) How have all of you been??? :)

Vanessa

The photographer, and dear friend who took the pictures of Gabriel passed away today. We don't know any details, but we do know that she will be terribly missed. She was a wonderful person and amazing talent. But, God needed His angel back. RIP Vanessa. We will miss you!

So, it does get better...

So, depression does get better, but there are times where you feel it lurking in the background, waiting for the perfect moment to take over your life again. That's where I am today. I guess it's a day by day basis. I'm working hard at keeping it at bay and I WILL succeed because I refuse to be back where I was. I just hope that will power is enough. I think last time I fell into it so quickly, my will power was gone. Now, I'm stronger and know what's happening. Hopefully I'm not fooling myself, thinking I can control something that cannot be controlled. I'm on my meds and that's helping tremendously, so maybe that's all that I can ask for.

Well, I'm at work, so this is short. Thanks for reading!

Life at work, without my Little Squirt

So, I've been at work for about a month and things are going well. I miss my little guy, but it is what it is. We all need to work... The depression has lifted, although for a couple of days I decided not to take some of my meds. That was a bad idea... So, I'm back on all of them. Bummer. One of them, of which I'm on a particularly high dose, causes facial ticks. I am already developing a tick.... So, I'm going to talk to my doctor at my next visit to get that decreased. Well, work must be done now, so off I go. Thank you all for following this and being so supportive. I hope this blog helps someone going through PPD. There IS hope!

Freakin Hilarious!!!

This has to be the funniest car chase scene ever filmed.



But there is also always this one!

Going back to work

So, I was supposed to be out of work until April 30th, but in order for my office to accommodate that I was going to have to go on COBRA insurance which was going to cost $1000 per month for me and my family! That was definitely going to punch a hole in our meager nest egg, so I went to two doctors and they both released me to go back. I'm going back on Monday! Ack! Wasn't quite ready so quickly. Haha. From thinking I was going back in 5 months to going back in less than 5 days was a little shocking. But it's only part time for a couple of weeks, until I can get my groove back on. Unfortunately, my shift is from 6 AM to 10 AM. Yay that I will be out early and have the rest of the day ahead of me, but boo that I have to get up at the butt crack of dawn!

I'm somewhat looking forward to it. I get to get out of the house and my husband will be watching the baby. He has lupus and cannot work right now. So, we're praying that my paycheck will sustain the family. Nicely added stress there...

So, there you have it. I'm a working gal again. Back to the grind. Funny how things can change so quickly. At one minute I'm thinking I have until April and then BAM! Back to work for me!

School

So, I decided I want to go back to school. I was enrolled in this school and missed just going back by one quarter. So, I had to go through the application process again. Well, on the application form it asked if I had ever undergone psychological treatment.... Nice. So, I didn't lie. I said "Yes". Well, now they are giving me a hard time and wants to talk to my therapist before they think they are going to let me in. I JUST went there! So, now I am finding a different college. I'm fed up with their attitude about this. I'm not ashamed of what I've gone through and I'm not going to let it stop me from achieving my dreams. I don't know if my old college is going to let me back in, so I'm moving on. Liberty University, here I come!

Good old "friend"

Yesterday, I was off on taking my medication and as much as I felt I was getting better, I realized just how much the medication helps. My intrusive thoughts and depression started coming back. Dammit! I really wanted to think it was gone. I truly thought it was. I thought I was better, and maybe I was, but it wasn't really me.... it was the medication. Does that count?

I know if you're reading this, you must be just as tired of hearing that I'm depressed as I am of saying it. Will this ever end?