The new chapter... starting... in a minute.

So, after all of these years, I've been looking back at my PPD days, wondering what sequence of events throughout my life brought me to such a dark place.  When I started this blog I was confused, scared, and incredibly sick.  Now, three years later, I am graduating from Liberty University with my Bachelors in Psychology and I plan on going to get my Masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling.  The period of my life that this blog chronicles changed the course of my life from that moment forward.  Now, the debate is on in my brain.  Do I start a new blog or continue my journey here.  This blog has a very special place in my heart, even though life has taken me away from it for quite some time.  This blog holds my hurts, fears, pains, and regrets.  It is raw, emotional and real.  I think that is why the decision has been made to continue here.  I will continue to post what has brought me to the point where I am today.  What pain, elation, ups and downs brought me to the second floor acute psych ward back in 2010.  The not-so-normal life of a wanna be normal girl.  Or maybe it's the other way around.  Maybe by the end of this story I'll be able to tell the difference.  Until then, I'll just write.  I'll discover, uncover and analyze everything from my first memory to my last.  I'll think, recap, think again.  If you want to come along with me on this journey, I would love to have the company.  If not, I respect that and me and my little buddy blog with travel this road alone.  This blog has served me well and it's new life is about to begin.  Resurrection time, my friend.  Let's get this show on the road! 

Going on a trip to help people in need.

I am going on a trip to help those less fortunate, and I trying to raise money and awareness for this issue. Women leaving polygamous relationships have nothing. They have no education, food, money, clothing, anything. I am trying to help them and others trapped in situations like this. If you are interested in supporting this mission, please consider going to one of these sites and ordering something. 100% of the profits are going toward this mission.
www.marykay.com/sroberts137
and
www.youravon.com/sandiroberts
Thank you so much and if you have any questions, feel free to email me. I know it's an odd mission to be a part of, but these people are sometimes child brides, trafficked, and abused. They need all the help they can get, especially if they have made the decision to leave. Thank you so much!
Or if you're not interested in any of those items, and you still want to be a part of it, you can paypal to spiriteddancer137@gmail.com. Thanks!

You can also go to:  http://www.gofundme.com/p1io0

Thank you so much!

Medication is working again.

Thank God!  That is all.

Nope.... I lied

So, the Abilify WAS working, but.... today I'm back to wondering what it's like to have a bullet go through my head.  Was that too much?  Welcome to my world.

Abilify...

Is working.....  Whew!  Ok.... two days down.  Let's see how this rolls. 

Here we go again....

Hi old friend... or whatever you are.  Depression, intrusive thoughts, suicidal ideation....  they're all back.  Don't know why, how or what the purpose is, but it's all back.  I'm back on Abilify to see if that will make it stop.  If not, I'm becoming more and more open to going back to the hospital.... ONLY for the Partial Hospitalization Program... anything beyond that.... will be against my will...

Let's see how this goes...

Even after all these months...

Months after being diagnosed with severe PPD, PPA and now what they think was OCD, I'm still on medication.  My severe depression has lifted, however today is a rough day....  I can feel it looming.  Waiting for the perfect opportunity to pounce.  I think about the Outpatient program I was in, and I miss it.  There was safety there.  I could be myself there.  And although it is associated with a horrible time in my life, I still remember how I was free to analyze my depression, in a comfortable place where there was no judgment.  Now, in the "real world" I catch myself putting on the fake smile, pretending to care and be happy.... when there are times that I'm not. 

I also was late on my medication today, so that could be part of it.  I may never be "normal" again.  But maybe this is my "normal" and I have to learn to live with that.

I had another intrusive thought last night... I'm on guard now.  I'm scared.  I don't want to go back.